I'm hooked

So I have a girlfriend now... I have been trying to fight it off for months. I used to come up with reasons why I couldn't date her like her boobs are too big, her eyes are a little close together, and she is just too nice. I mean so nice that she would not fight back if someone tried to rape her. Its like she didn't use logic for anything, but yup ... we are dating now. Through sheer persistence and vagina, she managed to sink her little claws into me. When I mean persistence, I mean stubborn. I think she might have down syndrome. Thats how stubborn she is. I am like, "Hey I don't think we should date. I think we are diametrically opposed with our views on the death penalty, child rearing and other socially important issues." and she is like "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!". I respond with something heavy like, "I am driven in my endeavors and I am not sure if you understand where you want to go with your career and on a grander scheme where you want to go with your life." and she will snarkily reply, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!" And I think, "Hey when did you get naked? Boy your hands are small? Maybe you are retarded." and she will say "My mom has narrow eyes, but that is a pretty superficially vain reason to date someone and I cannot believe you would even imply something like that about me. I do have strong feelings about the death penalty, but as for general world view, I lean toward Secular Humanism. I know we have differences, but I think we can make this work. Now come give me a hug you big lout!", on the inside ... On the outside, "ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!" ... what can I say, I am hooked...

Dreams

I have always had a dream about becoming a comic. I am not talking about child hood aspirations or day dreams. I am talking about actual, "I go to sleep and I am a stand up comic" dream. However they never seem to end well, which makes me kinda think they are nightmares! If anyway in the crowd takes their face of tonight and tries to lasso me with their lizard tongue, then I am outta here! So please save it for home.

More Excellent Pickup Lines

You think roses and sweet kisses get you excited? Well I am going to stop your heart with this Anaphylactic Cock.

I am not sure why this stuff comes to me in the shower...

What really matters...

I am learing some pretty important things in NYC about comedy... I am not talking about the stuff everyone knows, like giving people time to finish applauding... I am talking about the little hidden things like what people really think is funny... for example, fart jokes ... always funny... but explosive diarrhea not always funny, yeah yeah sure people laugh, but eventually they realize you just shit your pants and then they stop laughing... then it sorta turns into "hey this guy isn't so funny?"

Piney Fresh

Booze Smells on my Skin
I don't need to wear cologne
Cause I drink the gin

Language Matters

A wise man once said, "Rang Dang diddle la dang a dang", but I don't think he spoke English, so I am not sure what he meant.

Horrible Joke

An ugly girl, a fat girl, and a midget walk into a bar that I was sitting at. The ugly girl asked me if I would go home with her and I said, "yes". The fat girl asked me if I would go home with her and I said, "yes". The midget asked me if I would go home with her and I said, "yes". So we all left.

Gentle Man

I am trying to figure out what it means to be a gentleman. I think it has something to do with opening things for women, like doors and jars. However I think I might be missing something, because I asked a young lady if I could open her legs and she sprayed me with mace.