Hunger Be Gone

It seems to me that people like to use the term "The South" as a blanket term to describe everything below the "Mason Dixon Line". I want to take this time to clue every one in. Most people in the south don't care about the civil war. They don't even know that the Mason Dixon line was originally a term to divide land for the William Penn familly. I don't know about you, but I wasn't alive for the Civil War. Has everyone heard of the term "New South"? The"New South" is all of the gulf coast states with some modifications. We trade Florida for South Carolina and Texas gets traded for Georgia. They weren't joking when they said Texas is like a whole other country. They should call Texas New Mexico and they should call New Mexico emtpy. Everything else that you thought was the south is now just considered red-neck.

The New South is a state of mind and all of the states are really different. This is why you have to be careful about restaurants that serve "Southern" food. If you go to Louisiana you get Cajun food. If you go to Mississippi you get good catfish. Georgia has peaches. They are all very different, but when you go to a "Southern" restaurant they try to mix everything together into a menagerie of tasty eclectic food. To bad they don't realize Texas doesn't count. I went to a Southern restaurant and took a look at the menu. Fried chicken liver,questionable but yummy. Fried green tomatoes, delicious but under utilized. Fried catfish and Crawfish Etouffee, marvelous. Jalapeno opossum, dammit I'm not hungry anymore.

Where did it go wrong

I should have been hit by a bus in the seventh grade. I blame it all on puberty. So I was a late bloomer, and I went from being immortal to being sub-par. I just never caught up. Now things are starting to fall apart. I have a bum finger and crooked back. Of all the genes I could have gotten from my dad, charisma, speed, rhythm, a full head of hair, what did I get? I got huge balls. Who needs that? Thanks Pop.

Luke, I am your father

I have completely stopped having one night stands. They are ok when you are younger, because you aren't that sure of yourself. You don't talk. You just get drunk and meet someone. Then you back to someone's place and have rigid penguin sex. It isn't like that when you get older. Especially once women start to get sure of themselves. They start to know what they want, which is good. No one likes to have sex with a dead fish, well maybe a few people do, but they usually get locked up. No really once women start knowing what they like sex, gets good. Unless you just aren't good at sex or you have a tiny dick, but don't they go hand in hand?

I have a tiny dick. It took me a long time to realize this, but I do. I hooked up with this chick the other night and we were about to make some love, or whatever you call it now, but then the worst thing happened. I didn't have any condoms, so I had to run to the 7-eleven in my underwear with wood. Luckily the store is across the street. I walked in and went straight for the condoms. I was wearing a wife beater with fuzzy slippers and south park boxers. You toss in the ear muffs, it was cold, and the trojans. Wow, the night clerk thought he was about to die or get some pig lovin'. Either way, I get back to the room and she is still there with her finger on the trigger, if you know what I mean, which is lucky I thought she was going to leave. I threw on the condom. What the... It's glowing. I bought glow in the dark condomns. Oh well here it goes. She stopped me. "What the fuck is that?" ... "Uh, It's my light saber?" She just gave me a look WTF. "Ok, so it's a light dagger."..."No asshole, it's more like a light pocket knife with no handle, but give it to me i'm already here." Damn you confident women, Damn you. So we had some sex. I gave her the 30 second ride of her life. So while we were having sex, I realized that she wasn't a woman. I think she might have been a marsupial. She must have been a kangaroo. That wasn't a pussy, that was a pouch. Maybem she was just pregnant. I'm just gonna turn a blind eye to this one.

What did he just say?

I was at the gym with my friend the other day and he kept hounding me, because I didn't really feel like lifting very much. Actually, my lifting strategy is to ask him if that is the most he can possibly do. When I he says yes, then I just put 10 lbs more on. So any way he keeps telling me to quit being lazy. I said, "I can't help it. I'm a pussy. It runs in my family. My mom has a pussy. My sister has a pussy. I am just a pussy. It's my destiny." So he decides to get clever, "What about your dad." I said, "My dad he isn't a pussy he is a dick, but I take after my mom." Then he just starts laughing at me. I got confused, as usual, "What the hell are you laughing at." He said, "You are using all of these words wrong." I thought he knew, but I guess he didn't, "Man I thought you knew I used words wrong. I'm illegitimate. That runs in the family as well, neither one of my parents can read." Let's just say, that the entire conversation destroyed my confidence for the day.