Da Pope-a

Note: As we all should know Pope John Paul II has passed away. The postceeding information is only a joke. I truly respect what John Paul II did with his life. I feel that he brought joy, love, and peace, among other things, to the world in a manner that I truly value and admire. I thank him for what he contributed to the world. Sleep tight JP da Duece.

I love old people. They just don't give a damn about anything. I think they realize that they are getting old and about to meet their maker, or something, and they just don't give a damn about anything anymore. Old people will say anything. Say for example, oh I don't know the Pope. Good ole' J.P. the Duece is starting to get old. He just had a tracheotomy, ...For Christ's Sake of course, but don't worry about the brimstone raining yet, because he is still kickin', god bless him. You know he has stopped caring about certain things, because he wrote a new book and in it he suggested that gay marriage may be part of a "New Ideology of Evil...Which attempts to pit human rights against the family and against man". Wow, I knew Catholics didn't like gays, but I didn't know gays were "Evil". Oh well he is Da Pope-a and he must be in direct communication with J.C.. I don't really believe in god, but if he does exist I am thank full that he gave the pope his own country. You may ask why, but isn't it obvious? If he has his own country, then it is within his power to get his own motorcade aka "The Pope Mobile" , which is good, because the pope is old, almost decrepit. Being so Old, I definitely don't want the pope driving, not for Christ's Sake, but for my sake and everyone else on the side walks.

Out Of Remote Control

I was trying to watch the food network, when I decided to switch channels as fast as I could to the last channel I was watching, because there was a Burger King commercial that I wanted to see. I don't want to talk about it. So any way, I'm trying to switch channels here. I obviously grabbed the remote, because I wasn't getting up to change the channel. Now the remote is in my hand and I looked for the last or previous or ch button, whatever they call it. See that is the problem, All the buttons are fucking different on every remote on Earth. I just want to see my burger king commercial, but nooo. I just started to hit random buttons. Button one, WE channel, no way I'm not Gay..... Anymore. Button two, I see this weired rainbow pop up in the sky. What I just found a god damn world peace button, how the... I should have known the green button did that. I just want comedy central here leave me alone. Button three, booom....ooops.

Every Which Way, But Down

People should stop lying to themselves about snow. They need to see it for what it is, Rain. Snow and Rain are both water, one is just slightly retarded. If not full blown retarded, then at least partially handicapped. Why do you think snow floats all over, it thinks it needs to fall, but it doesn't go straight down. It is to busy floating around hugging all of the other snow flakes. In the given predicament of falling, I think I would rather be snow than rain. Rain just falls straight down really fast and splat, hits the ground. Snow on the other hand is, as we have established, handicapped. So it is obvioulsy wearing a miniature bicycle helmet and that is why it is white.

Change Of Heart

Lots of people make racial jokes, but I'm not one of them. OK Maybe I am, but I don't like to make racial jokes, especially black jokes. Every time I do, I start to think. The next thing you know, I am wishing that I was black, but then I realize I am. Well not black everywhere, just where it counts. *grabs crotch and jiggles* That's right, My heart is as black as they come. The faint of heart can't just crack the negro jokes, but the weak of mind don't really have a problem with it. This is where I come in. The last time I saw someone this weak of mind they were wearing a mink coat and some high heels in the shower. I'm sorry Mom, I know I wasn't going to tell anyone!

Half Empty or Half Eaten

After a very long night of heavy drinking and smoking things that would send me to jail, I woke up on a futon at my ex-girlfriends apartment. I didn't wake up on my own. I woke up to the shrill cry of, "I'm sorry Josh, my dog chewed up your wallet and your pants." I would say I had an immediate thought, but the fact is the last thing I remember from the night before was playing a bongo in the corner of some strange guys apartment, so I didn't have an immediate thought. I barely remembered not to pee my pants. My second thought, which didn't want to show up either, finally came. It told me that something was not right. So I decided to pop my head out from under the covers and look at the apartment floor. I didn't see any chewed up anything. I didn't even see the dog. Then I felt something move down by my feet, so I looked in that direction. The dog, a little yippy Bichon Frise, was actually sitting on my feet with my wallet in it's mouth. It had also managed to chew the ass out of my jeans. Since I was still a little foggy eyed, I went back to sleep. Then I heard another shriek, "Did you have a viagra in your wallet?" It turns out that I actually did have a viagra in my wallet. It's there for *coughs* ahem for emergencies. Nothing better than getting so drunk that you have no business getting an erection and then coming home to a jar of warm mayonnaise, but I digress. Where was I. Oh yes May-O-Naise, wait I was going back to sleep. Just then I hear the following phone conversation, "Hello, I think my dog just ate half of a viagra. ...... No, it's a small dog." This woke me up in a hurry. I wasn't really worried about the dog having any weird side effects. I wasn't even worried about the dog dying. I was worried, because I realized that I was still wearing my now assless jeans and my hemorrhoids were suddenly inflamed. You know what, I don't want to want know.

Yowser Bowser

My friend just got a new puppy the other day and he keeps telling me how women keep coming up to play with his puppy. Apparently, chicks love puppies and you can use that to pick up women. So now all I have to do is find something else that women love. So I thought and I thought and blamo it blindsided me like a simian projectile at the zoo. It's true Women, neigh Ladies, do love babies, but it just so happens that sweety, toothless bald men in diapers don't quite make the mommies swoon. To be honest I don't think they really like puppies either, because every time I tried to sniff some bitches ass she just hit me with her purse. Did I do something wrong?

Anal Satan

I watched a lot of stand up comedy growing up and I noticed that everyone recycles the same joke about Mexican food. They all say it's a conspiracy, it's cheese, beef, lettuce, and corn tortilla served the same way. I realized something about taco bell the other day. It isn't made from standard Mexican food. It is made from Satan. I took a shit the other day and it smelled like taco bell, but that isn't the funny thing. The amusing thing is that it has been over a year since I have eaten taco bell. This stuff will stay in your system as a little spiritual hitchhiker until you get to hell.

Bald and Beautiful

It's taken me a long time to realize that being bald isn't so bad. It is actually a natural way to save money. If you're bald you will never have to buy shampoo or conditioner again. Do you know what else you will probably never need to buy again? Condoms, you will never need to buy condoms, unless you are about to jerk off and you don't feel like cleaning it up.

I'm sorry, but nobody thinks bald guys are hot. Can I get a show of hands of all the women that find bald guys attractive? That's good, the one and a half of you can put your hands down now. Now can I get the phone numbers, of all the women that would fuck me? See, I told you. People don't like bald guys.

Who's laughing now

I think being a standup comedian would be the almost opposite of being the nerdy spindly kid in highschool. Stand up commedians are always thinking "Please god I hope they laugh." Nerdy kids not so much. Either way you can rest assured that people aren't laughing with you.